This week, we learn about Coffee & Kink!
This series was created to highlight sex bloggers (new and old) to my readers. If you’d like your sex blog featured, please read my instructions and get in touch!
Coffee & Kink
1. Which sex-related blog(s) do you run and how long have you been at it? By what name may we call you? Pronouns?
My name is Amy Norton (pronouns she/her.) I run the sex blog Coffee & Kink, which I founded on 31 December 2016.
2. Where are you from?
I’m from the U.K.
3. Where can we find you on social media?
Twitter is my social media home and I’m at @CoffeeAndKink on there.
I’m also on Fetlife as @-CoffeeAndKink-.
Follows and friend requests are very welcome in both places!
4. Sum up your blog (such as its theme, focus, quirkiness, uniqueness).
It’s a bit of an eclectic mix, but I first conceived of it as a sort of sex-positive online cafe – a cozy, welcoming space where people could sit with a cup of something and learn all about sex and kink things in a non-threatening environment.
In terms of content, I originally envisioned it as mostly an advice blog with a focus on BDSM and kink. That stuff is still there, but I’ve branched out into so many other areas – as well as advice pieces, I now also write personal essays about sexuality, sex toy and other adult product reviews, and erotic fiction, as well as occasionally publishing content from talented guest bloggers.
5. What is your blog’s creation story? Why was it born? Did any already-established bloggers inspire you?
I’ve always been a writer and Coffee & Kink is not my first blog (though it is the only one that is still in existence now, and by far my most successful.)
I started it because I was writing essays on Fetlife about kink, sexuality and feminism, and they were getting a fair amount of attention. So I thought, why not do this somewhere where it can maybe attract a wider audience? I didn’t really know what I was doing but I grabbed a free WordPress domain and Coffee & Kink was born.
6. What do you do full time? Blog? Or do something else?
Hah, I WISH I could blog full time. I have a day job I enjoy, though I have a policy of not talking about it much in these spaces for anonymity reasons.
I also do freelance writing in vanilla niches under my legal name. My goal is to go full-time freelance in the next one to two years.
I’m also working on my Ph.D.
7. Do you consider yourself an advocate/supporter/ally for any particular group(s)? And/Or, are you a member of a group whose voice is often suppressed?
I identify as queer – my sexuality is what would typically be thought of as bisexual or pansexual, in that I’m attracted to people all over the gender spectrum. So I’m very much an advocate for LGBTQ+ liberation.
I go back and forth on whether I’m comfortable referring to myself as disabled (probably because I tend to worry I’m not “disabled enough” to claim the label, because… ableism) but I live with mental health difficulties that have a major impact on my life and will probably be with me forever.
And while I don’t think “ally” to groups I don’t belong to is a label I can meaningfully confer on myself, I try to speak up against all forms of injustice and fight for positive change.
8. What are your short and long-term goals for your blog? Aiming to stay for years, or is this a short-term hobby?
Well, I’ve been at it well over 3 years and I’m still here! I think it’s very difficult to put a timescale on these things but as it stands right now I don’t see myself giving up any time soon. I love what I do and I’m proud of it. Forever is a long time, but I feel pretty safe in saying C&K is here for the long haul.
9. What is your favourite post on your blog to date? Why? (Include a link)
Oh, god, that is REALLY difficult. I have to pick just one?
I think I’m going to say a fairly recent post I wrote called Love Shouldn’t Be a Game of Mao. It explores the abusive relationship I was in for five and a half years, using the card game “Mao” as a metaphor. For those who aren’t familiar, Mao is a game where you get punished for breaking the rules, but no-one will tell you what the rules are. (“Sounds like my last relationship,” I quipped when my friend introduced me to the game, and hence this post was inspired.)
I think I’ve accidentally become known as a person in the blogging community who talks about abuse, particularly in the context of kink. I do it because I don’t want anyone else to go through what I did. If someone reads that writing and says “shit, that sounds like my relationship” and gets out of an abusive situation as a result, I’ve done my job.
10. What does “sex-positive” mean to you?
My working definition is “Sex positivity means supporting the right of all consenting adults to have sex and engage in relationships – or not – in whatever ways work best for them, free from stigma or shame.” It’s not perfect, but it works.
And the “or not” bit is really important because some people are under the misapprehension that sex-positivity has to mean being up for sex all the time, or having a super high libido, or having a lot of partners – but it doesn’t at all.
To me, sex positivity is supporting the rights of people who want to have orgies with twenty strangers every night of the week, people who want to have lifelong monogamy with one person, and asexual people who want nothing to do with sex at all, and every single other point along that spectrum.
11. Have you found any friends (or heroes) in the sex blogging community?
I’ve been incredibly blessed with the people I’ve met thanks to this community. I’ve made a number of wonderful friends, met a couple of lovers through blogging, and learned so much from so many amazing people.
There are a lot of people I really admire, but I have four main blogging heroes: Kayla Lords, Molly Moore, Girl on the Net, and Kate Sloan. I read everything they put out avidly and I think I want to be a combination of all of them when I grow up.
12. Who is the single biggest supporter of your blog?
My nesting partner, Mr CK, has been incredibly supportive since the beginning – he’s given me honest feedback on work, been generous with sharing his own experiences and perspectives to help me with pieces I’m writing, and put countless strange things on his genitals in the name of journalism!
I also need to mention my other partner, who I call The Artist, and my metamour (known as The Minstrel.) They’ve both been absolute rocks in my life and are endlessly supportive and encouraging of my work.
13. How important (or unimportant) is anonymity to you?
Fairly important? Slightly less so now that when I started, because I’ve switched day jobs from a “would almost certainly get fired if they found out” situation to a “would be a bit awkward but probably not impact my employment if they found out” situation.
My biggest concern is my family, who absolutely wouldn’t understand or approve of what I do. So I don’t show my face, use my legal name, or share easily identifiable details.
14. Have you ever had anything bizarre or horrible or funny or amazing happen as a result of blogging?
Oh, wow. I mean, the most amazing thing is definitely the people I’ve met and the community that exists around sex blogging.
Another amazing (and surreal) moment was when a reader, who I gave advice to by email, came back and told me I’d probably saved his marriage. I didn’t, of course, as I just provided the advice and they had to do the hard work of acting on it – but it was a pretty incredible feeling.
Nothing horrible has happened (yet!).
15. For sex toy users: If you could only have one sex toy for the rest of your life… what is it?
This one is easy. Doxy Wand Original.
16. Has sex blogging shaped/influenced you in a broader “real-life” sense?
It’s hugely boosted my confidence because I’ve found something that I feel comfortable saying I’m really, really good at.
I think it’s also made me more likely to go after what I want rather than talking myself out of it before I even try! Before this I wouldn’t send the pitch, apply for the course, enter the competition, or ask out the cute person. Now I do and I’m not (usually) afraid of rejection anymore.
17. Introvert or extrovert? Cats or dogs? Coffee or tea? Which Hogwarts house?
Introvert. Cats. Coffee (of course!). Ravenclaw.
18. If you could magically and instantaneously change something about this community (i.e., sex toy industry, blogger politics, erotica, porn, sex education, etc), what would you change?
Unfortunately, the sex-positive community isn’t a utopia. Issues that mimic society’s oppressive inequalities still exist, particularly racism and transphobia. So if I could change anything, I’d remove any kind of inequality and oppression.
Kinda a big one, I know.
19. What are the top 1-3 reasons that keep you blogging?
The feedback I get from readers, when they tell me that what I’ve written helped them, is the absolute number one reason.
Also, writing is good for my mental health – the catharsis and clarity I get when I write has been enormously beneficial in my healing from my abusive relationship and ongoing mental health journey.
Finally, frankly, on bad days the money keeps me going!
20. Lastly, what advice would you give to readers considering starting a sex blog of their own?
Write the content that you wish you’d had access to. Think about your audience, yes, but the fact is that when you’re first starting out you might not know exactly who your audience is – that becomes apparent over time.
Your first “ideal audience member” should be your younger self, whether that’s you from twenty years ago or ten minutes ago.
Thanks Amy! If you’d like your sex blog featured, please read my instructions and get in touch!